Feb 3-4 2013

I honestly dont know what to do. My brain and everyone else tell me i should just cut my losses and move forward. That i dont have what it takes. But my heart, irrationally tells me not to give up yet. That’s it’s not in me to give up. Several times, ive won the battles that mattered when i listened to my heart. My heart tells me if i give up now, would i forgive myself. My brain tells me choose what is easier, less painful & maybe i’ll stop being a pain to others too.

I’ve always told people I meet, never to give up. When i play with my team or tennis partner and sense they are giving up, a very normal response, if you look at the scores, i lie to myself and them, that for as long as the game goes on, we will not give up until the final point is won by the opponent.

And by luck, we come from behind, & eventually win the game, probably bec the opponent becomes tired for dragging, extending the games. Those were worthy battles. But the stakes were small. I dont know if this battle is worthy. But i feel like my whole life is on the line here. Everything.

A good decision is the one that gives you peace.

Can you be specific?

Between my fangirl madness this week,

I’ve been leaning towards giving up, just do residency now. And each time i think of this “giving up”, i cry. A deep sadness just comes over me and before i know it, am already crying. It seems “peace” will come if i cut my losses, but i have the foreboding that this is temporary peace, and that i will decide on this to please other people.

I keep hearing from many people to start residency already. That they think i’ll be a very good fit, etc etc. nice things to hear. They ask What’s delaying me, etc. And i cant tell them. And i cant say no either

I was having didactics with the residents on Psychiatric Interview and one of the most important insight I learned so far was intuition and analysis. It’s perfectly fine to reach for your dreams, whatever they are, but you have to know when they are not coming true and start dreaming for new ones.

You mean i should give up

this says exactly what i feel: 


That’s not what I’m saying.. I’m just saying you also have your feet on the ground while dreaming. As you can see, people who float do not move as quickly.

Just last Friday, RO told me that his classmate M who went there as a nurse took 6 years to go into a residency training program.

Think —- why would I want to train in the __?

i know & feel exactly my “why’s”.
you know why i love zero dark thirty? Bec it’s a spy movie & i’ve always wanted to be a spy ever since i read dadi’s spy novels in gradeschool. Something about the challenge to develop the many skills to be anybody or somebody @ anytime, remaining invisible, but still doing meaningful work. Work that improves lives. Being everything one can possibly be. Being authentic to what God makes possible in you or me. And i also love Marion, in Cutting for Stone. Everything he struggles with, i do.


Posted on February 4, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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