I woke up around 6am today. I’ve been intermittently waking up at dawn, checking the phone and return to sleep. Old habits. But today, I woke up with a shiver, as if there was ice being blown around me. Yes, it has been cold this past week, with the wind howling outside my glass windows and the sky permanently grey. One sometimes forgets what time is it because there is no sun that marks the passing of morning to noon to dusk. It’s permanently grey and cold.
But this shiver, this cold came after I woke up thinking I had the results of step 1. With a specific score that in my dream, I should have been immediately happy, but I wasnt, then dreaming me realized it was a great score until I woke up and realized I haven’t received the mail yet, and I should have seen it in an email before snail mail. And I realized with dread that usually, the opposite happens of dreams, and this cold shiver just came over me. And sadness and fear.
The last time I remember being unbearably cold in bed that it couldn’t be solved with blankets was in 2008. It was the early morning before I was to present our research paper before an international audience of doctors, PhDs, social scientists, 90% of whom were twice my age. The only people nearest my age would’ve been the 4 other medical students and then a handful college students who were there to direct us to our seats. And there I was, thinking how I could present my study without letting my fears take over. My mentor had reassured me I would be okay, that it was just anxiety and that she was confident I would present well.
This fear this morning was like that. I watch a lot of movies to take my mind off this because I just don’t know what I will do next should the result not be what I wanted. All I want, all I want to is to have score good enough for me to proceed. And I honestly, fearfully dread these days of constant checking. It’s been a month, I should expect the results to come at least a month and a half after I’ve taken it. How many movies more can I watch?