Monthly Archives: January 2013


about a week since I got the results. Couldn’t cry on the first night but eventually, mourning started. Everything. Every thing in my future seems bleak. Like I would have to settle for a 2nd rate life. I have not made any steps yet towards a decision. I have a default decision, but it pains me so much right now to do anything. Am paralyzed. But I also know that I would not be happy if I didn’t even try again. It hurts so much, so deeply.
I’ve been doing a medical mission up in the mountains and saw the government doctors and thought to myself, I can’t see myself being happy with settling for this forever. I love seeing patients again and being of help. But the politics gets in the way of helping as much as I want.

In between, it’s been a week of exploring and fangirling over the relationship of KB & MB at my other blog, 24/7. Distracting myself from this final decision and bothering ES with my Fangirl messages which she totally understands.


explore-blog:

The ever-brilliant Wendy MacNaughton (you know, her…) and Austin Kleon achieve the impossible and improve upon Emerson, adding to history’s finest definitions of art.

Decision & Reasons


“Working with film,” she added, “it’s a fair amount of time that you need to feel attached to the piece.
—>I think if the decision and your reasons for involving yourself is pure, then your stamina is infinite.”
– kathryn bigelow, on making films

“Good intentions”
-dr mjc

this is from this dreamslike


just trying if it 

Movies today


Today I saw Contagion because it was a movie about the flu epidemic and Jennifer Ehle plays a doctor. I liked her in The Gifted Man. Then I followed that with The Texas Killing Fields because it was a movie that starred both Jessica Chastain and Sam Worthington for the second time. With the first movie of them I saw being The Debt, which left me utterly frustrated at both characters as an almost couple. The texas movie left me disappointed that it didn’t even show them be-ing a couple but as already an ex couple! I need a third movie that is a dedicated love story between characters acted by Sam Worthington and Jessica Chastain.

Sam, I love you. I love your previous naïveté and sincerity (and righteousness) in those movie roles with Jessica. Jessica, your lovely badass characters in The Debt and Texas, need Sam’s and vice versa. But please a third movie where you are not an almost-couple and neither an ex-husband and wife to each other.. Just both of you falling and being in love and forever after.

Shivering


I woke up around 6am today. I’ve been intermittently waking up at dawn, checking the phone and return to sleep. Old habits. But today, I woke up with a shiver, as if there was ice being blown around me. Yes, it has been cold this past week, with the wind howling outside my glass windows and the sky permanently grey. One sometimes forgets what time is it because there is no sun that marks the passing of morning to noon to dusk. It’s permanently grey and cold.

But this shiver, this cold came after I woke up thinking I had the results of step 1. With a specific score that in my dream, I should have been immediately happy, but I wasnt, then dreaming me realized it was a great score until I woke up and realized I haven’t received the mail yet, and I should have seen it in an email before snail mail. And I realized with dread that usually, the opposite happens of dreams, and this cold shiver just came over me. And sadness and fear.

The last time I remember being unbearably cold in bed that it couldn’t be solved with blankets was in 2008. It was the early morning before I was to present our research paper before an international audience of doctors, PhDs, social scientists, 90% of whom were twice my age. The only people nearest my age would’ve been the 4 other medical students and then a handful college students who were there to direct us to our seats. And there I was, thinking how I could present my study without letting my fears take over. My mentor had reassured me I would be okay, that it was just anxiety and that she was confident I would present well.

This fear this morning was like that. I watch a lot of movies to take my mind off this because I just don’t know what I will do next should the result not be what I wanted. All I want, all I want to is to have score good enough for me to proceed. And I honestly, fearfully dread these days of constant checking. It’s been a month, I should expect the results to come at least a month and a half after I’ve taken it. How many movies more can I watch?

Cold


I woke up around 6am today. I’ve been intermittently waking up at dawn, checking the phone and return to sleep. Old habits. But today, I woke up with a shiver, as if there was ice being blown around me. Yes, it has been cold this past week, with the wind howling outside my glass windows and the sky permanently grey. One sometimes forgets what time is it because there is no sun that marks the passing of morning to noon to dusk. It’s permanently grey and cold.

But this shiver, this cold came after I woke up thinking I had the results of step 1. With a specific score that in my dream, I should have been immediately happy, but I wasnt, then dreaming me realized it was a great score until I woke up and realized I haven’t received the mail yet, and I should have seen it in an email before snail mail. And I realized with dread that usually, the opposite happens of dreams, and this cold shiver just came over me. And sadness and fear.

The last time I remember being unbearably cold in bed that it couldn’t be solved with blankets was in 2008. It was the early morning before I was to present our research paper before an international audience of doctors, PhDs, social scientists, 90% of whom were twice my age. The only people nearest my age would’ve been the 4 other medical students and then a handful college students who were there to direct us to our seats. And there I was, thinking how I could present my study without letting my fears take over. My mentor had reassured me I would be okay, that it was just anxiety and that she was confident I would present well.

This fear this morning was like that. I watch a lot of movies to take my mind off this because I just don’t know what I will do next should the result not be what I wanted. All I want, all I want to is to have score good enough for me to proceed. And I honestly, fearfully dread these days of constant checking. It’s been a month, I should expect the results to come at least a month and a half after I’ve taken it. How many movies more can I watch?

One thing. Identity. After trauma.


Trauma. It changes everything. After the moment of impact, nothing is ever the same. You reshape around the pain but you’re never the same. But maybe that’s ok—that things shift. Maybe they needed to shift. Because we can get stuck in one spot. This “one thing”, one identity. But, we’re not one thing. We’re never one thing, not to ourselves, not to each other.
And, you’re the only intern not writing! Remember this is your Super Bowl (whispering).

—Emily Owens MD, thinking right before her in-service exam.
Episode 1×8 “Emily..the Car and the Cards”

———-
EPISODE
—why is she taking the internal medicine exam when she’s a surgical intern? Isn’t it supposed to be ABSITE?
—This was a good episode on a trauma patient, fairly predictable and good to see Dr Bandari leading through all three shifts of surgical teams until the end. Noticed though that Will/Dr Collins is again “defying” Dr Bandari when she orders him to rotate out, this seems to be the third time that he’s having problems with authority. Prior events were Will pre-emptively treating a patient for C. diff without test results and got reprimanded by Dr Micah Barnes. Another was when he refused to continue assisting Dr Bandari in the TV replacement of the rapist-patient when he felt that another patient that everyone liked “deserved” Dr Bandari’s help more. huhu Will, gotta watch that attitude. More later.

On IDENTITY
– It’s eerily familiar that Emily Owens based her whole identity on her being smarter—performing well on her SATs (her super bowl) and getting Will as her friend because he wanted to study with her during med school. She seemed to function on that identity alone even in relationships. This was mirrored by her patients: the model who didn’t want her jaw surgery to remove the osteosarcoma that would threaten her “I’m pretty” identity and the 17yo girl “straight A” whose boyfriend took the blame for possessing weed when she feared her parents would be angry with her.

undertow || parallel


compartmentalize, that’s what i do. so i created this tumblr blog, for my usmle adventure. mostly, i’ll be “following”  people on the same journey. i’ve mulled over doing a prep journal on the many fora available but that rather limits the people i can follow and no opportunity to post the occassionaly usmle-induced stress content that may be inspiring or profound. plus, you can’t post photos or music or vids there (though i’ve never did!). i also like the tags here. 

as for my other blogs, i will maintain that reblogging-fan account made during my most intense usmle prep-that after my exam suddenly didn’t interest me anymore. talk about stress. i think that will die a natural death. there’s also the 2nd account for my general thoughts which might possibly merge with this one here. i’ve decided to just make this 3rd account, because i actually forgot that i had this account until i logged in with the wrong email. which actually turned out to be a happy accident since my usmle twitter is also coeurtex. so i guess these are the pretty compartments for me now. at some point, these parallel worlds will merge, i dont know. but i do hope so. 

today is january 16, 2013. 10.30am

i am prepping for my usmle step 2 ck. also waiting for the date of my interview for my new position at the hospital. also waiting for the results of the first exam. i appear calm, everyone says.

this blog is the undertow. 

[parallels with twitter]

(note: my blogs have been inspired Hugh Jackman’s “Dear 17 yo Me” letter (i read around 2010) wherein he wrote that you make a list of things you love and things you’re good at. continue making that one list until the day they will match. not a big fan, but his speech at the 2013 golden globes made him admirable). 

2nd try


try again